Tell Me About It!

Welcome to “Tell Me About It,” our TherapyLinx.com place to explore current day issues relating to your (and our!) emotional health!  Here we’ll take on issues presented by a professional therapist (we hope to rotate each month) but most importantly we want your feedback.  Tell us about your experience, and together we’ll create a community. 

The views and opinions expressed here do not necessarily reflect those of the owners or members of www.therapylinx.com.  Therapylinx.com is not responsible for the content or comments thereto published herein.

 Apathy and Agony - Why We Must Not Give Up

By: Beth Strong, MA, LPC
September 17, 2008 

I admit it, I have become as embroiled as everyone I know about the election, reading daily blogs, arguing with commercials and ice cream servers who have different political ideas, even mooning the pundits on TV when I don’t like their opinion. OK, so mooning the pundits on TV might not do anything, but it does make me feel better, for a little while. Why couldn’t it be like it was in the old days, when the outcome of an election might be upsetting but wouldn’t bring to mind images of rioting in the streets or taking a very long vacation in another country? I’m the worst when it comes to political debates – I couldn’t even get my dog to vote the way I wanted her to – because all anyone would see is my terrifyingly deep feelings about the whole thing. Rational? Maybe on a Simpsons episode. Otherwise, even I cringe from my sickly, drippy debates.So there’s no happy part of me this year when I find myself as obsessed, compelled, and to be honest, quite neurotic about the campaigns as a Fox or MSNBC News anchor riled up by a convention or a new VP announcement. Still, as a psychotherapist / analytic type that I am, I can no more easily keep myself from exploring just what the heck is going on underneath these rantings, in the depths of my psyche than a pundit can keep from predicting the next vice president. I thought it might be interesting to share these discoveries, with the hope you might be inspired to dig around and find some of your own. . .

No one can deny that the stakes in this election are as high as they have ever been. We’re talking about life and death, poverty and abundance, peace and war. We might even be talking about the life or death of a country, a way of life, our way of life, that seems each day to be closer to the edge of the cliff. I get it that both sides believe their way is the only way to salvation. (Geez, almost sounds biblical – that wasn’t intentional.) Some of you may be familiar with some very frightening views of where our country could be headed if we continue to allow the disturbing trend of apathy to continue. (For instance, read The End of America, by Naomi Wolf, One Party Country by Peter Wallsten and Tom Hamburger, 2008, or this provocative piece by buzzflash.com, “Karl Rove’s Master Plan: A One-Party America,” in July 2004,  – still eerily relevant today.) I will readily admit that many of these discourses sound radical, too wild on the surface to be taken seriously - almost as ridiculous as certain campaign “facts” I see coming from the right. Yet, when I dig deeper, I find the concern for right-wing domination of our country to be very well substantiated. So it makes sense that those who have different beliefs than the right-wing Republicans would be alarmed – we should be. The threat is real.

But there’s another component that drives the enraged reactions of so many people I see, myself included. The Republican arguments are what we call in the psychotherapy world “crazy-making.” They are telling us the sky is green and chiding us for thinking it is blue. They are using our arguments against us by suggesting the left wing is to blame for the problems we’re suffering with under the Bush administration, and only the Republican Party can truly bring change. (Huh???) Anyone who has grown up in a family where the parents didn’t tell the truth (read alcoholism, personality disorders, an atmosphere of abuse of any kind – physical, emotional, verbal, sexual, or religious) is going to be emotionally triggered by this kind of tactic. And once we’re emotional, well, we stop looking like we’re making sense. It’s a very effective tactic to make the Democratic side look weak. Feel weak. Feel incredibly hopeless and frustrated. Because as too many of us know, it’s just not possible to argue with someone who can’t even start with the truth.

My Own Private Alaska

If staring crazy-making in the face weren’t frustrating enough, it gets even more trying when other deeply emotional wounds are triggered at the same time. When I heard about Sarah Palin’s addition to the Republican slate, I found myself in a week-long rage. I’ve never been this politically embroiled in any campaign. I had to get to the bottom of my reactions, which even for an emotional type like me were way over the top. So I let myself roam over my obsessional musings, and noticed that what I kept coming back to was Ms. Palin’s youngest child Trig, who, we all know by now, has Downs Syndrome. And the fact that Ms. Palin, this stalwart model of family values was so ready to put him in the back seat while she feeds her own needs for fame and power. I know I’m treading on feminist thin ice here so let me say right away that I am very supportive of women being independent, strong, and an equal part of the work force and leadership of our country. I also now understand that Todd Palin seems ready to shift to the stay-at-home-Dad role if so called upon. But here’s how I was triggered:

I was the fifth child of a woman who, by the time I was two, had more important things to do. She did her thing while I was sent to another state to live with my grandmother for six of my first eight years, to do mine. The parallel struck deep. It makes me crazy to see a mom leave a young child for the sake of her own needs. From what I read in the press, Ms. Palin was back at work three days after giving birth to Trig. The work must go on!

As I look at it now, the two situations don’t seem quite so similar, but my gut reaction didn’t care. The difference in story is that my mom was newly divorced in 1957, in bed with rheumatic fever, and unable to care for herself, let alone me, while the four older children were in school. At least, that was the story for the first year; the other five years I stayed away from the rest of my family were less easy to explain. When the Republicans chide Barack Obama for his mystical guidance to lead the country in our greatest time of need, two thoughts come to mind: does Sarah Palin really think of herself as God’s answer to our country’s time of great despair, due to her extensive experience as mayor and governor and her personal line to God’s wishes about pipelines? Secondly, if she does, is that enough of a reason to put her child (children, and grandchildren) second? And if John McCain’s history of recurrent melanoma persists and makes him completely unable to perform his duties as president (do to a devastating program of chemotherapy), as many medical doctors suggest, how long will Ms. Palin really be able to “do it all”? My mother used to try to convince me that I could “have it all.” I have had too many life experiences that contradict that lovely possibility to believe it, but even if I did, I’ve come to know that there just isn’t a way to “have it all at the same time.

“Is it really possible to separate the personal from the public in this campaign? Hasn’t the Republican party thrown in our faces the inseparability of the two? Isn’t Pro-Life all about defining one’s personal beliefs for the rest of the public? Isn’t crazy-making talk the way to keep us confused, emotional, and unable to separate the heart from the mind? Isn’t that weaving of mind, heart, and body what we are hoping to achieve, after all?

The worst of it for me is that all this polarization and contentiousness makes me want to run and hide. I hate it as much as I hated plates flying and drunken relatives pushed through glass plate doors when I was a child. It’s why it took me three weeks to write this blog, because it was all too emotional for me. But what would be the worst would be for me to keep quiet. Then that crazy-making talk just gets left unanswered, which leaves too many who aren’t willing to examine it, believe that it’s true.Perhaps my arguments here are less than perfectly rational. But let’s not assume the other side’s arguments are any more rational than mine. Let’s face the facts, folks: when the race has become a personality contest complete with beauty queen, and the facts on the issues are stubbornly twisted and repeated so often that we all start to doubt that the sky is blue, there’s not much left besides our feelings.So I ask of you what I ask of all my clients: Listen to your feelings. They are the earmarks to your needs, to your issues, to the things that are most important to you, your values. And don’t just vote from there. Talk from there, be willing to be irrational as the path to your truth.

Beth Strong, MA, LPC

After the Wedding – What to Expect During the First Year of Marriage

by Beth Strong, MA, LPC

August 21, 2008

By this time, most of us have probably attended at least one wedding this summer.  I went to one last weekend, and my dear friends Lauri and Jeff, the co-owners of TherapyLinx.com, will be tying the knot in just a few weeks.  That got me to thinking how these happy, glowing effervescent brides’ and grooms’ lives will change (even if they have been living together for years and they are quite sure they won’t.)  I’ll tell you what I came up with, based on my own two marriages and what I’ve witnessed over the years.  Know someone who just got hitched?  Have them read our blog for a short course on what’s next.  Meanwhile, we hope you’ll tell us what happened for you. . . .  I.  The Wedding Hangover.  Even if you haven’t had a drop to drink, there’s no escaping the wedding hangover.   Even if you’re an attention hound and love all those squeezes, camara flashes and one hundred of your closest friends telling you how beautiful and happy you look, it’s hard to take all that in.  We need to decompress.   Which is why not one couple I know will even try to convince anyone they had a great first night in the conjugal bed.  My advice: forget any idea of sex until at least three days after the wedding.  You’ll just be too exhausted.  This is what honeymoons are for, but give yourself several days before expecting to be able to move. 

IV.   Roles Change Too – Change Them Consciously!  From “daughter” to “wife,” from “brother” to “husband,” you have not changed roles in a vacuum.  Some people (like fathers, perhaps?) will give you more than a nudge out of the nest.  Some people won’t be ready for you to give up a role that has made you primary in their lives.  Best friends, siblings, even parents have a stake in you being there for them, and sometimes they can’t handle you leaving them behind for married life.  Hopefully you won’t leave anyone behind (other than former lovers perhaps) once you get married.  But successful marriages rely on each partner being willing to make subtle shifts of importance from other close friends and family to their new marriage partner.  This requires diplomacy but not without firmness.  “No, Mom, we’re not coming out for Thanksgiving this year, we’re serving dinner to the homeless.”  Or, “Sorry, guys, enough volleyball for tonight.  I’m having dinner with my wife.”  It’s a balancing act, not a life sentence of Lent. 

V.  Discover Your Expectations . . .  and Let Go of Them!  This is where it gets dicey, because whether we admit it or not, we all come to marriage with expectations.  And the first year of marriage is where they get played out.  “I just expected that once we were married you would . . .”  This is the time you get to discover what your expectations are, because some of them will be met, but many won’t.  Don’t feel bad when they don’t – it’s what marriage is all about.  (It’s also why dating after marriage is so important, because when you’re not dating, you’re working hard on learning how to speak to your mate – the very thing that made you feel so close to begin with.)  Think of the easiest job you ever had – was it satisfying?  Now think of the most satisfying job you ever had – was it easy?  Great marriages don’t just happen because two great people love each other.  They are built through years of working hard to get to really know and accept each other, to meet challenges together, to grow individually, and to make the relationship a priority.   Use your discovered expectations as information about you, and look to your past to see where those expectations were born.  Most importantly, talk about it.  Just make sure to leave out those words that say “should.” 

The First Year: A Foundation for Your Legacy.  Above all, remember to keep an eye on the big picture.  The first year may be full of challenges, but when you give yourself and your partner latitude to adjust, the pay-offs might surprise you.  Here’s a comment from a husband in his sixth year of marriage that might give you a little inspiration:   “When we first got married, I thought my life was finally complete.  After the first year, well, I was exhausted from all the hard work.  But now, my wife is more than my best friend: she’s my rock.  She’s also the reason I do all this, because we’re building something together, that’s bigger than me, bigger than a home and a family, even bigger than our relationship.  I’d never imagined it this way before but I think we’re actually building our own little piece of the world, and together we’ve got a chance to do so much more than I ever could have alone.  It’s not always peaceful, but then, I didn’t sign up for boring.  My wife, she makes me grow.”  

May all your years of marriage take you to new heights.                                                             Beth S.